Stars und Sternchen! » His name is Gary Maguire and theres

As a die-hard Baltimore Ravens fan, certainly Id like to ease into a 5-year, 40-million dollar deal with my boys in purple (though blue better complements my skin tone). The club has a need at starting left tackle — with Eugene Monroe potentially on the move — and the entire offensive line is in disarray. Still, I tell myself, Ive got to stay open to possibilities. So Ive hired an agent. He keeps insisting hes not the type of agent Im seeking, and really wants me to check out a fully furnished 2-bedroom condo he wont stop talking about. His name is Gary Maguire and theres just something exciting about him. Maybe its the crazy look in his eyes. Maybe its that he keeps repeating "help me, help you". Whatever it is, he really gets me: Maguire: You dont look like an NFL player.Gallay: I get that a lot.Maguire: Not sure youre even muscular enough to be an NFL fan.Gallay: Im going to put my clothes back on.Maguire: Shouldnt you declare for the draft first—not free agency?Gallay: Theres too much running at the Scouting Combine. Not my strong suit.Maguire: So how am I going to pitch you to NFL front offices? What are your skills?Gallay: Im tenacious. Im focused. I cant catch a football, but I can clumsily swat at other people playing football. My wife says Im in the way a lot, so I plan on using that to my advantage. Im also dangerously delusional. (I hand him a doctors note.)Maguire: Fine. Ive seen more done with less. Lets talk staging. After discussing mortgage pre-approval for some reason, he and I come up with a plan. He explains to me how most NFL offensive linemen are well over six feet tall, roughly 300-350 pounds, a decade younger than me, and likely had a successful college career followed by some prior success in the NFL. I explain to him that Im not like other people. We settle on agreeing Im a maverick and get to work. "First, you need to put on 165 pounds." I tell him no problem, I did it once, I can do it again. He advises me Ill have to do it in under 35 years this time. Ideally hed like me to hit the target weight by mid-afternoon. Im on it, I holler, through large bites of tofurkey. He stops me as I head towards the bathroom, reminding me I cant afford to lose any weight today. "Next, you need to grow five inches, possibly seven." I explain to him that my whole allure is quarterbacks will have no problem seeing over top of me. Of the other significant O-line free agents, Branden Albert is 65. So is Eugene Monroe. And Rodger Saffold. Jared Veldheer is 68! My shortness and poor posture is EXACTLY how Im gonna differentiate myself from those terrifying brutes! Maguire is unconvinced, so I grudgingly step into the medieval stretching machine he found on Kijiji. It smells of pine wood and suffering, which Im told is exactly what Vince Lombardis station wagon smelled like. "Your hands are too small. Left tackles have huge mitts." Thats the least of my worries, I explain, as I wrap 50 yards of tape to my left hand. Well just tell coaches I have a sprained thumb and I should be better in 2-4 years. Everyone in the NFL is nursing an injury. Shows Im tough. "What about your embarrassing lack of football knowledge and acumen? You just called a touchdown a Pass-The-Liney-Scorey." Ill give it to Maguire, hes asking all the right questions. I explain how I consume 8 hours of NFL Network every day, a claim which seems to impress him. Also, Im able to name four other offensive linemen, none of them John Madden, which is more than 98% of football fans. (To be fair, since nobody knows their names, Maguire cant verify if Richie Incognito is an actual human being.) "Last thing. What do we do about your, um, advanced age?" No problem, I tell him. Im going to change my name to Stanislav Gomez, a young Cuban defector. (I figure if Oscar Isaac, a multi-talented Cuban-Guatemalan, can play a spot-on pasty neurotic Jew in Inside Llewyn Davis, surely I can do the opposite.) We both nod in unison, followed by an enthusiastic slow clap. Time to show me the money, Maguire. He advises me to not say anything else until Ive contacted a copyright attorney. And here we are, Tuesday, March 11, the opening salvo for NFL free agency. I see that Alterraun Verner my fellow hot commodity free agent has been tweeting bible verses to me (and all his followers) for the past several hours. My Verner Mountain Dog, what a joker! Gosh, I hope we land on the same team. Anyway, I better tweet him back before he gets worried. Also, I better get some rest (Im super fat now). Whatever happens, Im not worried. Its like my dad has always told me, worst comes to worst you fall back on your education. Thank goodness I got that Division I degree in sports anthropology. (Maguire knows a guy who knows a guy who is gonna get me a diploma.) Gonna be a big year. Gallays Poll #2 Which situation would be the best fit for Gallay? a) A multi-year deal with his favourite organization, the Baltimore Ravens (said every Steeler fan).b) Drawing five-pointed stars hoping the Devil shows up offering a deal.c) Pulling out of free agency until 2015 to realize all his goals in intramural soccer baseball.d) Discussing his dosage level with a trained professional. Air Max 1 Australia Online . -- Louisville backup quarterback Reggie Bonnafon ran for two touchdowns and passed for another and the No. Air Max 1 Australia Sale .I shared with him how much I appreciated all he had done for us, Celtics president of basketball operations Danny Ainge said of that Thursday night farewell. http://www.cheapaustraliaairmax1.com/. Howard had 17 points and a career-high-tying 26 rebounds in his Houston debut, James Harden added 21 points and the Rockets cruised to a 96-83 win over the Charlotte Bobcats on Wednesday night. Air Max 1 Wholesale Australia . While Chelsea stayed two points behind leader Arsenal courtesy of Etoos hat trick, seventh-place United slipped 14 points from the summit this weekend. And the gap from the Champions League places is growing as well, with Liverpool six points ahead in fourth. Cheap Air Max Sale . Dane Dobbie and Shawn Evans each had two goals and two assists for the Roughnecks (8-5), who outscored Minnesota 6-2 in the fourth quarter after being tied through 45 minutes. Curtis Dickson scored once and set up three more for Calgary and Dan MacRae, Geoff Snider, Tor Reinholdt, Karsen Leung and Matthew Dinsdale.VANCOUVER -- Camilo added some flair to the Vancouver Whitecaps battle for a Major League Soccer playoff spot Sunday night. He scored two highlight-reel goals in a three-minute span -- the second on a sideways bicycle kick in the 78th minute -- to give the Whitecaps a 2-2 draw with the Portland Timbers before a crowd of 20,303 at B.C. Place Stadium. "I thought we played very well, and if we continue to play the same way the next three games well have a very good chance," said Camilo who moved into a tie for second place in MLS scoring with his 17th and 18th goals of the season. "Its disappointing (having to come back), but the game was not over so we tried to attack and we were able to score." With only three games left in the regular season, the Whitecaps (11-11-9) helped keep their flickering playoff hopes alive by obtaining the single point, but with the L.A. Galaxy beating Chivas U.S.A. earlier in the day, the draw dropped Vancouver to six points out of the last playoff spot in the Western Conference. The Timbers (12-5-14) missed a chance to move into second place in the West despite extending their unbeaten streak to five games. Camilos tying marker capped a string of three goals in as many minutes. The Vancouver strikers two tallies sandwiched one by Portlands Will Johnson. Even Portland goalkeeper Donovan Ricketts was impressed with Camilos second tally. "That was a special goal," said Ricketts with a broad smile even though his club was forced to settle for just one point. Darlington Nagbe scored for Portland in the first half. He and Johnson, the captain of Canadas national mens team, assisted on each others goals. "Were disappointed that we didnt earn three points," said Portland defender Jack Jewsbury. "But at the end of the day, youve got to congratulate Camilo on two unbelievable, world-class goals." Camilos first goal came in the 76th minute as he sent a dipping and diving free kick over a Portland wall and bouncing inside the left post to create a 1-1 tie. But with the crowd still cheering, Johnson fired in a Nagbe pass from the top of the Vancouver 18-yard box. However, moments later, with some in the crowd still groaning, Camilo scored as he went airborne to boot home a pass from Young-Pyo Lee. Darren Mattocks started the play by sending the ball to Lee. "It was a little wild. I havent had a game like that in a while," said Jewsbury, having trouble recalling another one like it. "(There were) some good plays, some unbelievable strikes." Camilo made good on two additional chances after he and second-half substitute Kekuta Manneh were robbed by Ricketts on back-to-back chances in the 75th minute. After foiling Camilo from within 12 yards, Ricketts got up to get his arms on Mannehs shot off the rebound. But the entertaining finish was muted by the fact the Caps still face a difficult battle to secure a second consecutive playoff berth.dddddddddddd "Obviously, youre disappointed that you didnt get all three (points), because I thought we deserved (a win) tonight," said Vancouver captain Jay DeMerit, who had called the game a "must-win" a day earlier. "But a point is a point." The eventful second half contrasted from a quiet opening 45 minutes as the Whitecaps struggled to adjust to lineup changes and the Timbers took their time getting going. Vancouver striker Kenny Miller missed his second straight game with a groin injury. As a result, Mattocks made a rare start. Whitecaps coach Martin Rennie also juggled his lineup by keeping midfielders Russell Teibert and Gershon Koffie on the bench as Matt Watson and Daigo Kobabayashi started in their place. Teibert came on in the second half, but struggled with his crosses. Nagbe opened the scoring in the 41st minute as, left unmarked outside the top of the Vancouver area, he took a pass from Johnson and fired a shot inside the left post beyond the reach of leaping Vancouver goalkeeper David Ousted. "It was just a really good strike," said DeMerit. "It was probably 25, 30 yards out. As a defender, youre supposed to close right about then. As he started to wind up, he saw us coming out to get the ball, but it was a great shot, curling away from (Ousted), so he didnt really have much chance to save it." Camilos heroics overshadowed a strong game from Johnson, who showed a strong midfield presence that Vancouver has lacked for most of the season after failing to woo the Toronto native in the off-season before he joined Portland from Real Salt Lake. "(Johnson) is a fantastic talent, a guy that weve counted on a lot this year," said Jewsbury. "Hes probably one of the most talented guys Ive ever played with. a He had a big game." With Wednesdays game in Seattle and home-and-home contests against Colorado to close out the regular season, the Whitecaps will still have a difficult time fulfilling their playoff quest. But, while acknowledging the difficulty, Vancouver goalkeeper Ousted remained optimistic. "We showed great character today, and I think that bodes well for the future," he said. Notes: Mattocks has a difficult decision whether to leave Monday as scheduled for international duty with Jamaicas nation team or travel to Seattle with the Caps. Jamaica has a World Cup qualifying game against the U.S. on Friday. Mattocks said its "50-50" whether he will leave or stay. a During the pre-game ceremonies, players from both teams wore shirts bearing pink ribbons in support of breast cancer research. Some Whitecap players and game officials also wore pink wrist bands, while Ousted wore a pink jersey, shorts and socks, as he has done previously. A pink-striped ball was also used. a Portland goalkeeper Ricketts was cautioned in the 74th minute as he wasted time before attempting a free kick. ' ' '